Sunday, August 10, 2014

The Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate: 1. His Doctor 2. His Priest 3. His Lawyer.

 He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. "The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Why You Should Be a Quiet In Church


A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." 

Friday, June 27, 2014

Computers vs Cars


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Not only that, but....

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Einstein's Chauffeur

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Useful Phrases for Work


1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by

your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean

you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet

it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is

purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't

care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young

and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your

mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions

I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of

Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are

largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you

people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being

smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a

message .

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my

toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the

cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my

destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of

strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to

humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh

nervously, and change the subject.

From The Police Blotter...

Actual police reports.....












Funny Headlines From Newspapers

The truth really is funnier than fiction...