Your Daily Ha Ha: July 2013

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Couple Sipping Wine

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you." The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?" The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife. He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

The Key To A Great Marriage

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."

Bubba Calls His Lawyer

Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer? "Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer. "And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?" "Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?" "Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

At The Track

After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus. “Say,” Peter said, “How’s it going?” “Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me- what’s today’s date?” “July seventh.” “Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.” “Let me guess,” Peter interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.” “Right.” “And he won!” Peter sighed. “No. He came in seventh.”

A Question About Whales

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

The Bottle of Wine

Farmer picks up a Native American hitch hiking. The Indian is a man of few words but eventually looks at the brown paper bag in between them and asks, "Mmm, What in bag?" The farmer says, "It's a bottle of wine that I got for my wife". Indian thinks for a second and say, "Mmm, good trade".

The FIshing Trip

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

Breaking the Dorm Rules

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"