Man Wants To Confront Buglar

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant.

‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!’

Cat For Sale

A  famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. 

The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats." 

New Descriptions of Business Titles

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.



CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.



BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.



VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.



P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the

market keeps crashing.



BROKER -- What my broker has made me.



STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.



STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.



STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets

equally between themselves.



FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.



MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.



CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.



YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.



WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought

Yahoo @ $240 per share.



INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.



PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

At the Pearly Gates

A  woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.

Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.

"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia." 

At the Cemetery

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"

The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?" 

Elderly Couple Texting

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” 

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.  Please advise."

Depends On Where You Live!

YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN - -

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.

3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

4. You know how to eat an artichoke.

5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.

6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK WHEN - -

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.

3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4. You think Central Park is "nature."

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7 You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

YOU LIVE IN ALASKA WHEN - -

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

YOU LIVE IN THE DEEP SOUTH WHEN - -

1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.

2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.

3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"

4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names.



YOU LIVE IN COLORADO WHEN - -

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

YOU LIVE IN THE MIDWEST WHEN - -

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different! "



YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA WHEN - -

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

6. You don't know how to vote