Friday, June 27, 2014

Computers vs Cars


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Not only that, but....

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Einstein's Chauffeur

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Useful Phrases for Work


1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by

your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean

you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet

it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is

purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't

care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young

and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your

mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions

I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of

Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are

largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you

people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being

smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a

message .

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my

toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the

cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my

destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of

strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to

humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh

nervously, and change the subject.

From The Police Blotter...

Actual police reports.....












Funny Headlines From Newspapers

The truth really is funnier than fiction...











Hilarious Newspaper Headlines

Yes they are real...











Ripped From The Headlines....

Some hilarious real headlines and ads in newspapers....











Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Almonds!


A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them." 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

The Note


A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT. Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said: I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters. 

Sunday, June 8, 2014

How Things Are Done In Government!


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Rhode Island State house in Providence, one from Cranston, and another from North Kingstown and the third, Exeter. They go with a State house official to examine the fence.

The North Kingstown contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Exeter contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Cranston contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Cranston contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Exeter to fix the fence." 

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Bud, Miller, Coors, and Guiness....


Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.