This is an "actual letter" from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor
and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets
rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors'
Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core
or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period,
Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all
people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal
maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy
Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any
part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual
smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it,
James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will
never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself
up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you
don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the
love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic
message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
Manslaughter is Wrong'.
Sir, please inform your Accounting
Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business
elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not
for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a
promise I will keep.
Always. . ...
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
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