Sunday, October 27, 2013

How Dogs and Cats React To Changing A Light Bulb


1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining the day is young,

we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside

worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring

that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the

light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these

people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed

any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no

one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still mess on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.

By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.

So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE

MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Portrait

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist” Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things" replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure

he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for

the jewelry."

Sunday, October 20, 2013

When To Plant Lettuce


A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." 


A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce." 

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Why The Old Man Didn't Get The Job...

Job interview:
 
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
 
Old man: "Honesty."
 
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
 
Old Man: "I don't really give a sh*t what you think!"
 

The Man In The Balloon

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour

ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Friday, October 18, 2013

The State Worker and the Farmer


A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Bruce And Jenny

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.
 

"Well Bruce,
it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
little children 
of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Bring Me My Red Shirt!

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. 

Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy. 

A few days later, they sight 20 pirate ships in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants." 

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

The Old Man and The Bikers

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles." 

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Tough Test


This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.

So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) "Which tire?" 

Friday, October 11, 2013

The Genie In The Cave


A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death." 

Thursday, October 10, 2013

God is Watching


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large

pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Kentucky Translation of Computer Terms

COMPUTER TERMS - KENTUCKY TRANSLATION: 

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
 LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. 
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove. 
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
 MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
 FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
 RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
 HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time 
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time 
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside 
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
 BYTE: What them dang flies do
 CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
 MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag 
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
 DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
 LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
 KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
 SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
 MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
 MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole 
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
 ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
 RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

Needing A Compliment


A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment."

Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, "Wow! You really have great eyesight!"

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Duck Hunting Doctors


A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.

The family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying "I am not sure that is a duck."

The Psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying “I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."

The surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. He turns to the pathologist and says "Go see if that was a duck."

Friday, October 4, 2013

How To Discipline A Child In Today's World


A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.” “So what do you do?” 


The father replied: “I send him to my room!”