Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*cking Indian.
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There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
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In fine print on the last
page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world
records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are
simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
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The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
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Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
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The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
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Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*ck down.
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Chuck Norris once commented,
"There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift
roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
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Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
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Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
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Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
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The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.
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Chuck Norris put humpty
dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face.
Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all
the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified
reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a
roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
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When Chuck Norris played
golf for money, Chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the
golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a
hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris,
the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire
because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by
Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
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Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
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Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
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Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
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Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
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Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times
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China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
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Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
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If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
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Chuck Norris sent Jesus a
birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was
to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known
as Jesus' birthday.
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When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
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Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
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Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
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Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
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Chuck Norris once tried to
wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point
where he was looking at the back of his own head.
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Once a grizzly bear
threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the
bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way
to die.
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If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*ck down
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Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
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Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
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Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
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Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
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A Handicap parking sign does
not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in
fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will
be handicapped if you park there.
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Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
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There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
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Chuck Norris never cries,
because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes
him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the
roundhouse.
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Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
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When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"
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Chuck Norris' evil twin
brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of
reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair,
Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped
Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the
Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.
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Chuck Norris doesn't worry
about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun
rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
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Filming on location for
Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to
life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal
sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse
kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that
Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
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Chuck Norris was the fourth
Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it
proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious
gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted
from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related
deaths.
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Chuck Norris used live
ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t,
he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked
him in the face.
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If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
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When his martial arts
prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When
playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
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Although it is not common
knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side,
the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
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Scientists used to believe
that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck
Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so
much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial
Chuck Norris.
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God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
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When Chuck Norris was denied
a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse
kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
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Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
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A duck’s quack does not
echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked
why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
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Chuck Norris once tried to
defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in
life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
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Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
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If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
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Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
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If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
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Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
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Chuck Norris owns the
greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series
of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades,
and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’
card.
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Chuck Norris invented water.
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Chuck Norris invented a
language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time
Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be
just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
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Chuck Norris went looking
for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat
there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar
around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place
to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always
leave things the way you found em!”
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One time while sparring with
Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might
be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
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Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
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Contrary to popular belief,
Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most
venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human
being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard
rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked
through a car windshield.
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Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
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Before science was invented
it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse
kicked every tree in existence.
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In the original pilot for
Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS
Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
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Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s sh*t.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.
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Scientists in Washington
have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would
remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris once threated
to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked
what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of
course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
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Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
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Playgirl magazine once asked
Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the
opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my
bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his
pants.
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Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris
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Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
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When Chuck Norris’s wife
burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it
honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with
a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds
later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face
and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
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When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
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Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
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There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji'
without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh*t out of
everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
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Chuck Norris once bet NASA
he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a
naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14
states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA
publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
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Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
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Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
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Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
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After much debate, President
Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the
alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
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Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
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Chuck Norris found out about
Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and
is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with
Conan's wife.
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Chuck Norris doesn't have
normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring
around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of
martial arts and they roundhouse kick the sh*t out of viruses. That's
why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
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| Chuck Norris's girlfriend
once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck
could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE
OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's
bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two
years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast
went deaf. |
