The Terrorists

A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs. After they had finished, one said: “Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope? “I don’t know,” said the other. “Open it and see.” “But it will explode.” “Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you!

Actual Police Comments

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the

speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can

write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think

it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that

again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are

drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go

to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend

of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................

AND THE WINNER IS ...



#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Computer Problem Report Form

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:

__________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

__________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

__________________________________________

__________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__

B. Minor__

C. Minor__

D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__

B. Frozen__

C. Hung__

D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in?

Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on?

Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?

Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse?

Yes__

10. Have you read the manual?

Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual?

Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?

No__

13. Do you think you understood it?

Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? __________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?

__________________________________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

__________________________________________

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.

__________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?

Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?

__________________________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood.

__________________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?

Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?

Yes__

Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1-week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.

The Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate: 1. His Doctor 2. His Priest 3. His Lawyer.

 He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. "The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"

Why You Should Be a Quiet In Church

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." 

Computers vs Cars

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Not only that, but....

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Einstein's Chauffeur

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Useful Phrases for Work

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by

your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean

you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet

it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is

purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't

care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young

and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your

mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions

I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of

Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are

largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you

people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being

smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a

message .

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my

toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the

cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my

destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of

strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to

humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh

nervously, and change the subject.

From The Police Blotter...

Actual police reports.....

Funny Headlines From Newspapers

The truth really is funnier than fiction...

Hilarious Newspaper Headlines

Yes they are real...

Ripped From The Headlines....

Some hilarious real headlines and ads in newspapers....

Almonds!

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them." 

The Note

A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT. Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said: I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters. 

How Things Are Done In Government!

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Rhode Island State house in Providence, one from Cranston, and another from North Kingstown and the third, Exeter. They go with a State house official to examine the fence.

The North Kingstown contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Exeter contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Cranston contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Cranston contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Exeter to fix the fence." 

Bud, Miller, Coors, and Guiness....

Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I. 

The Executive

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..." 

More "In The News"

More great stuff, "In The News"...

Uh...might want to check the Kentucky-Michigan Elite 8 Score....

Possible problems for the Superman Celebration, and yes, check out his name...

He does kinda have a wild look in his eyes....

Finally!  A newspaper which lives up to its slogan!

The Accident Report

An Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope…

The Cannibal In The Meat Market

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

A Genie Appears...

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.

the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"

The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"

The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".

The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

Unga Bunga

Three men were shipwrecked on a desert island and where captured by the local natives. They were brought to the chief native. The chief gave the men two choices; they could have death or submit to unga bunga. The first man decides he does not want to die, so he chooses unga bunga. Ten of the natives took him into the woods, when he came back one hour later he was all beaten up. The second man chooses unga bunga and he was taken out the woods for 2 hours where the natives beat him up. The third man not wanting to go through all that torture decided upon death. So the chief said ok death by Unga Bunga 

Paint My Porch...

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal." 

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner asks, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.."

The Hole

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.

He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.

They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.

One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.

About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.

The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie." 

The Price of Beer

Woman:Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman:How many beers a day? Man:Usually about 3 Woman:How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !) Woman:And how long have you been drinking? Man:About 20 years, I suppose Woman:So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct? Man:Correct Woman:If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man:Correct Woman:Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man:Do you drink beer? Woman:No Man:Where's your Ferrari?

Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off theMurray Baker Bridge.

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, 

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ....."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!  That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Seen in Public...

Funny things seen in public...

If the Wildcats DON'T win the National Championship, it's THIS guy who jinxed them....and himself.